The Bitoski

I often call the baby "The Bitoski."  This likely makes no sense to anyone, so I will explain.  

Somehow Ryan ended up being called Mr O. (now I think my Dad may have started it but my memory could be wrong).  Once that started Ryan began calling me Mrs. O.  Apparently, one day I was bored with Mr. O. and decided to call him Mr. Oski instead.  No reason, just felt like it.  Imagine that.....it stuck and Oski gets thrown around here with other terms of endearment.  

So, when I was pregnant with Fiona, we had made up a lovely song that we sang to the "Baby In There."  Since the gender is unknown we began singing the song to this baby.  There is the BIT part.  Of course it just made sense in our warped minds to combine the BIT & Oski hence "The Bitoski."  As weird as it sounds, we like it.        

Somehow I think s/he will prefer his or her name better than The Bitoski! 

Feeling pretty!

What girl doesn't like to feel pretty?  I think we all do.  I feel I have been lacking a bit in the pretty department lately (this is not a pity post where I want compliments, it is strictly me stating facts about how I am feeling).  Recently I was blessed to feel like a pretty pregnant lady!  I unhooked my IV fluids and zofran and had some photos taken. 

I feel less than pretty sometimes, but who doesn't?  First things first, the backpack is just plain ugly.  Enough said.  I used to shower every day.  Now it is a every 2 or 3 day thing (the PICC line is not conducive to showering and hot water is a nice vomiting trigger).  My hair is greasy and my comfortable clothes with lots of pockets for ziplocs are not the prettiest.  The broken blood vessels in my face from puking are also a really nice accessory to my sweatsuits.  

Wearing my glasses helps cover the bags under my eyes (man sometimes I look really bad without them) so those contacts have lived in the drawer for months.  One of these days I'll put them in again.  I am thankful that my parents have taught me about what is important and I am glad I have good self esteem.  It is easy enough to laugh at myself looking like a terrible grease ball.  

It was really nice to feel normal and beautiful. 

Update

In my past few posts I haven't really mentioned anything about how things are going in my world.  So I figured I should.  While I would like to use another word to describe it I will just say poor.   

The vitamin B6 started a few weeks ago and I began on a smaller dose than was recommended so I increased the dose.  I quickly realized I then struggled with insomnia at night....literally laying in bed for hours.  Now since I didn't notice any large difference when I increased the dose of B6, I cut back after about a week of not sleeping well.  Now I am back to a more tolerable dose and sometimes sleeping better.  Overall the B6 isn't the magic medication I was hoping it would be. 

In general there has been minimal difference lately, but I did have one day that I didn't puke at all (a very nice fluke)!  The past few days have been terrible.  The vomiting has started around 4am and just continued through the day.  I feel like a slowly moving zombie and my emotions are a bit frayed as I found myself crying in the bathroom yesterday.  Thankfully Ryan was there to help me up and give me a hug.  I am extremely frustrated and yet on some level I wonder why.  I sometimes feel like I just don't want to talk about it anymore.  When people ask me how I am I would just prefer to change the subject.  I genuinely appreciate the concern but I feel as though my life is consumed with vomiting and I would rather talk about almost anything else.  

But we are getting through everyday and I am doing my best to enjoy this special time with Fiona. 

Vasectomy......done.

I've heard of women getting "push" presents after they have children.  I personally find this a little ridiculous but that is simply my opinion.  How about buying me some flowers and lets call it a day.  It was around Christmas when I thought of something much better than a push present.  Ryan getting a vasectomy.  Since he is a rock star husband he said sure. 

Now I will answer some of the questions you've already thought of.  Yes we are both 29 years old but we gave it a lot of thought.  First question: What if something happens to this baby?  Well, that is a possibility but I have faith that the baby will be fine (and if for some reason that isn't the case then God had another plan).  Next: What if I die?  Well then I will leave my husband with two small children, he'd have to find a new lady who wants more kids and then agree to that.  Likelihood of this: slim at best.  Next question: What if I die with the children?  Well then Ryan will be crushed and probably not looking to start another family, let me quote him "I'll whore myself out and be glad I won't get anyone pregnant."  Nice honey....this is why I love him.  Biggest question: Are you sure you don't want more kids?  My answer is I think so.  But I should clarify - I know I don't want to be pregnant again.  If we want more children we can foster or adopt.  End of story.  My pregnancies have been  difficult on me of course.  But I not only have to think of myself but my children, husband and parents who are also going through this with us.  I won't do that again to any of us.  And yes I know every pregnancy is different but I am not a gambler. 

So the vasectomy was done in February.  Somehow I think Ryan enjoyed some aspects of this like the fact he got to lay on the couch for a whole day.  Reminiscent of life without kids.  He did great and followed doctors orders and had no problems.  Having a good doc helped (Dr. Jay Sandlow).  Dare I say....it was easy.  He would agree, just ask.  The one concern he had was regarding the first sexual encounter, solo or otherwise.  The analogy he kept using was a Ferrari going 200 miles per hour through a tunnel and hitting a brick wall.  I can report that did not happen.  Whew. 

Some may say we jumped the gun.  My vote is we will both sleep better at night. 

The morning phone call

Every morning I make a phone call to my home care nursing agency.  If they don't hear from me, they call me.  It reminds me a bit of being in the old folks home where if you don't turn on the light switch they come find you. 

Each day they want to know how I am doing and need specific information from me.  The big three that I can guarantee they want to know is how much do I weigh (yup, I get on the scale every morning), are my ketones negative and what my temperature is (which could possibly be a sign of an infection in my PICC line).  Depending on the day I will get asked other questions like how many times did you vomit and dry heave?  How many hours were you nauseated?  How many times did you pee?  To that question I would like to respond with something a bit sarcastic along the lines of really, with the 100 oz of fluid I get every day and the person who lives on my bladder, how many times do you think I pee?  Anyway, some days are different as Monday is inventory day.  I have a list of info and give them how many medications I have of each kind along with number of batteries, tubings, flushes, IV bags and dressing change kits.  Tuesday is of course delivery day.  

Most of the time I talk to the same nurse, Stephanie, but she doesn't work 7 days a week so sometimes I get someone different.  Depending on the day this is no big deal but sometimes it makes me crazy because I have to explain my world again.  With Stephanie the conversation is great and with some others it is painful.  If it is Monday and I get someone different I have to make sure they know what kind of tubing I use or I get something goofy in the mail or they don't send me enough IV fluids.  The rest of the chat goes something like this.  I sigh, take a deep breath and listen.  No, I don't drink.  Yes, it makes me vomit.  Yes, I tried a slushie, popsicle and every other type of frozen liquid you can imagine.  Yes, I've heard that lemon helps.  Yes, I know that a bland diet could help.  Yes, I tried the other 55 things you are going to recommend over the next 6 minutes and I've been doing this since October so can we cut the BS and end this lovely phone call (now I don't quite say that but man would I like to sometimes).  

Overall I really like my home nursing agency and I know the nurses I speak with everyday obviously care about my well being and that of the baby which is all I can ask for.        

What scares me

I don't think there is a pregnant woman out there who doesn't worry about the health of their unborn baby (well there might be but let's not think about them).  I try not to excessively worry but I am tremendously concerned about how my hyperemesis is affecting the baby.  I could go on about all the things that my mind comes up with, but I won't.  I am a nurse and I see odd things, so of course I imagine the worst.  I could easily write a novel about all the things that scare me but I will spare you all but a few things. 

The medications I take.  The one that really scares me is zofran (anti-nausea drug) which helps me not vomit 24/7.  I've been taking it since I was 6 weeks pregnant and I take a very high dose.  I try not to go to the ugly place in my mind that in the future they will learn it does crazy things to children.  But I did take it with Fiona and she is pretty awesome so that eases my mind slightly.       

My diet isn't ideal.  I do make a good effort to eat a well balanced diet.  But when it ends up in the toilet it seems futile sometimes and I get awful frustrated by it.  I honestly wonder why I bother eating nice green leafy things when I could flush them just as easily.  I'll read about what a pregnant lady should eat and I think well what I am eating is better than nothing.  Just the thought of fish (which has wonderful Omega - 3's) is well...lets move on. 

I am very reassured by my doctor and ultrasounds that the baby is doing well and growing like a weed.  I just need to have faith that the medications are helping me grow a healthy baby and are keeping me well enough to do so.  What other choice do I have? 

My outstanding coworkers

I have been back to work since January.  When I returned I had a new appreciation and enjoyment for my job and I can honestly say I really like my job.  Being at work is a struggle and I know that without the support and understanding of my coworkers it wouldn't be possible.  I have been at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin for almost 7 years and I think the team we have now is the best it has ever been. 

People look out for one and other and everyone has been looking out for me.  It is a great group of people who keep me smiling.  It is the little things that I appreciate.  Like when I leave the bathroom and someone is kindly waiting there with a toothbrush and toothpaste (now why they would assume I was vomiting is beyond me).  Or when someone checks on an alarm in a room that smells less than ideal.  The great people who have swithched their assignments so I can take care of the non-isolation patients (yes, I am being politically correct here).  Those kind ladies who have stayed for me or come in even a few minutes early so I could head home.  Everyone who listens to my goofy stories about vomiting in the tunnel.  The people who have brought food to my house.  Everyone who asks how I am doing and if there is anything they can do.  I thank you all.  I've heard from many people that CHW is a great place to work but I think Center 7 is a step above the rest and for that I am very grateful.  Thank you all.  I couldn't do it without you. 

Life without water

I get a lot of questions about the fact that I don't drink anything.  Ryan said yesterday, isn't the definition of insanity doing something over and over and expecting different results?  (I believe it was an Albert Einstein quote actually).  I laughed but I am going to tend to agree.  When I drink, I vomit.  So after a while I said, forget it. 

The last time I had water was sometime in November.  I think once in a while about the fact that people can't live without water.  Then I thank modern medicine and think, unless you have IV fluids of course.  Water was the first beverage to go as it is notorious for causing problems with hyperemesis patients.  All other beverages quickly followed as they weren't any better.  Sporadically I would try to drink something to see what would happen as I was hoping it was getting better as the pregnancy progressed.  I still vomited.  So my answer was, why bother. 

I get lots of questions about my mouth being dry.  It honestly isn't bad except in the morning when I first wake up.  Then it is pretty comparable to a desert.  Otherwise it isn't bad, but I do get about 100 ounces of fluid a day so I am well hydrated.  How many people really drink that much?  I don't really miss it with my meals, I just don't think about it anymore.  Other people seem more bothered by it than I am probably because I am very used to it.  I do get thirsty from time to time.  More often after I am at work.  I seem to get cravings for liquids more than really thirsty for them.  And man are they everywhere, and people drink them so quickly.  I watch Ryan just easily chug a glass of water and I think, hmm, must be nice. 

Lately my philosophy has changed a bit since my vomiting has increased.  If I've been vomiting a lot already and I feel like having a sip of something, I will.  Why not, since I am vomiting anyway.  I don't do this often since it does seem a bit insane but every so often I am dumb enough to do it. 

I am extremely excited about a big glass of ice water, an ice cold Pepsi and a cappuccino after the baby arrives.  I have to admit I am a bit nervous though but I have no doubt it will be just fine and taste phenomenal.